I feel so ashamed and disgusting... I don't want to be like this..... I had these weird sexual urges as a kid and teenager. Spying on girls in the school toilet, pressuring playmates into sexual games (I'm talking like 5/6 years old here. I know it's disturbing). In later years (starting around 10yo) I started exposing myself to girls and women until eventually I was caught by police at 14yo and received a stern warning. In the years after that I tried my best to suppress the urges and for years I felt so guilty and ashamed. It was gone for a while, but every once in a while it comes back, if I'm feeling very stressed and isolated. In the past years I've tried to find healthy, consensual outlets for these urges with some success.

But the last few months my depression and anxiety have been spiralling bad, for numerous reasons. Last monday I woke up and heard my brother's girlfriend in the shower and... something just came over me. It was like I was in a trance where reality felt like a movie or a dream. Like it wasn't real, and some sort of "dream logic" came over me where something urged me on to try and film through the bathroom window while she was in there. And I just... did it. Without thinking about anything. Like a robot just obeying the impulse. It felt and still feels like it wasn't me doing it, but something else through me that wants to destroy my life. The same something that in the past pushed me to injure and maim myself while I desperately tried to stop.

And I did it in the most STUPID way possible too, it was CLEARLY visible and in a direct line of sight from the shower. I honestly don't even clearly remember the moments leading up to it, I mostly remember snapping "awake" at hearing her voice ask what I was doing, and the disgust at myself that I let it happen again, and with a family member no less, and the white hot panic at realizing I had destroyed EVERYTHING.... Everyone knows I'm a disgusting pervert now.... My brother hates my guts now. He already did, we've had some terrible fights over the past year that we've lived together. But this.... All I want is to turn back time and beat myself up before I get the chance to destroy all the trust in the house....

I don't know who they've told. My youngest brother doesn't respond to me on Whatsapp and I'm not sure if that means he knows. I expected them to go to the police but almost a week has passed and I haven't been arrested yet so I'm not sure what to make of that.

I can't imagine how violated my brother's girlfriend must be feeling... I've apologized to them both but this can't be made right.... I can't stop thinking about what I've done and wishing I could take it back.... I'm trying very hard not to start injuring myself again but I am starving myself to punish myself regardless of any police involvement...

I don't want this life, I don't want to be this person.....