I already know I am a terrible, irresponsible, selfish, cheating girl, so please do not comment hate - I need advice and maybe some undeserving solace. My boyfriend (23) and I (23) have been together for 4 years. Though we've had our rough times and complications, one thing I know of is his unwavering love for me - he is truly a remarkable man who deserves only the best from this life. He is my best friend and I love him so much, but clearly not enough. I have made the biggest mistake of my life.

My affair with my co-worker (26) happened quickly and suddenly. I always had thought he was kind of cute and once her pursued me and I was drunk enough, I gave in to the temptation. We've hooked up maybe 5 times over the course of 2 months. I have small feelings for him, and I think he has them for me too (or at least he tells me he likes me). Sometimes I think it's romance, but I know it's only lust. Something about having an illicit, secret office affair made me feel so alive and for once in charge of my life, but it has ultimately ended in chaos. My coworker is not someone I want to be in a relationship with or be serious with.

My boyfriend and I have not had intercourse in months. Today, the pregnancy test came back positive and I know for a fact that it is my co-workers baby.

My boyfriend has no idea of the affair. It's been a well kept secret. I never want to tell him and as terrible as it is I am not planning on it. To make matters worse, next week my boyfriend and I are going on a very expensive vacation that took months to plan. I can't ruin his holiday by telling him. I need to keep this hidden. I want to just go on vacation, fake it like everything is fine, go home, get an abortion, break-up with my boyfriend because he deserves much better, and die with this disgusting secret. I think telling him might traumatize him for life. How will he ever trust and love again? I rather suffer the guilt than hurt him by telling him... despite the knowledge that I'm already done so much damage. I'm taking a utilitarian philosophical approach, which is to minimize pain wherever possible. I've done so much harm, telling him would ruin him.

I'm scheduling an abortion appointment tomorrow. Do I tell my co-worker? I'm confident he will be aligned with the procedure, but I can't imagine him being emotionally supportive, but I also can't imagine going through this alone.

I've messed up everything in my life and this guilt will haunt me until my grave. My life had suddenly turned into a LifeTime Movie Special and really hate myself for it. I'm disgusted with what I've done to someone I care so much for. I'm selfish and irresponsible and now there is an unwanted baby in my body as a result. What do I do?