So this was years ago when I was 16. And idk maybe I’m fucked up from it. In my defense I’m going to clear up that I’m not related to my uncle, I’m related to my aunt and it’s her husband. Really though I’m not sure if that helps my defense at all. Anyways here’s the story.

My entire one side of the family lives in a different state and I used to visit them every once and a while. But listen I was 16 and completely drunk. We were hanging out in a bar he owns after it was closed. And I know that I was young but I can drink. We drank an entire bottle and a half of jack. I don’t remember shit. That wasn’t out of the normal I would party hard and drink often so that wasn’t the problem there. I do remember kissing him that night and I for sure remember that I didn’t initiate it. I also didn’t push him away and things got hot. The rest was a complete black out.

I remember waking up the next day and really feeling uncomfortable. I was in the house with my aunt and him and his kids. I was shaking and felt horrible. I went back home to my state the next day and really tried to forget. Although the rush of this entire thing really was addicting. So I continued to text him for months.

But then I started to see patterns of what I started to do. I started to be attracted to older men that were 10+ years older, men that looked like him, or just weird sexual situations. I read about rape victims that had this same patterns when they were touched as a child by an older man. (I know this is different and I don’t think I was considered rape because I know what was going on. But this is my question what do you guys think)

Anyways. I went back a few months later and one day when we were all hanging out him and I left together to go on a cigarette run. We were gone for hours. It was a full moon and we pulled off to some field and were blasting music dancing naked under the moon light. If this wasn’t my uncle it really would be romantic.... but I know it’s fucking weird. Also I was completely fucking wasted out of my mind. Two bottles of vodka we drank that night. And I think we hooked up. I know we made out and ect. But I also know we hooked up. I was so drunk which makes none any better but it was a factor.

Fast forward months and I’m already back home my aunt texted me and asked me if something happened. I obviously denied it all. But let me just say that was the last time I ever talked to that part of the family. And she’s had two kids with him since then so they must be great.

My life is fucked up though. Part of me really fucking is angry that he’s fine with all of this and I lost some of my family that I loved and he’s still out there having kids and doing great. Not that I wanted his life to fall apart but it really feels like mine did.

I have some fetish now absolutely from all this where I like to have sex with inappropriate people. I hooked up with brothers, men way too old for me, someone I just met in an airport who was engaged ect ect. I know I’m fucked up. I know this wasn’t rape. I’m not happy about the situation and it haunts me every day. I really just don’t know what to do. Any word of advice? Fuck a therapist I’ve tried that. And also I want to tell my boyfriend about this because now I have a fear that’s constant about him hooking up with my mom or sister or cousin. That’s the worst part now after all of this I can’t fucking trust anyone.

If you can’t trust your niece and your husband you fucking can’t anyone. I have told my friends because I really needed to talk about it but I really just don’t know what to think of this situation. But fuck. Idk any help?