My father died when I was seven and my sister 3.After that my mother was too alone and deprived of any kind of male interaction.

Later on,she got into an affair with one my neighbour whom we used to call elder brother (bhaiya), I never liked that guy because he was always into my mom and tried to flirt with her. He tried very much to get her attention but later he kissed her on lips in front of me. I was shocked about what happened but my mother was smiling after that.

I was very angry what I saw, from that day her affair started.

That guy used to come to our home on daily basis, which made me feel anxious about my mother, what she was upto. (Remember I was just seven at that time).

My innocence was ruptured when I saw her sucking his dick when she ordered me to get something,

my sister was sent to my mother's friend. I forgot something at home and mistakenly she forgot to lock the door.

The moment I entered the house, I saw something that I can't even imagine. My mother was suck that bastards dick and the moment she saw me, they both tried to cover it up. And I was already dead after that day, I hated my mother for that I still don't forget what she did. But later on, I realised that women can't survive without men. She didn't know that I saw her doing thay stuff, but I can't worship her, can't touch her feet, can ask her why she was doing that.

I'm just ficked with this thought. After that incident I saw such things multiple times & I tried to tell her that this person I just just using her for his pleasure but she always scolded me, whenever I tried to say anything I got scolded. Even once she said that even you both die it doesn't matter for me. My sister also knew all the things about my mumma's affair, she also tried but results were the same , being scolded and sometimes beaten.

My respect for her died from the very first day when she was with that guy and he was 10 years younger than my mum.

And I too got a chance to get into an affair with an older women but I never did that because whatever happened in my past just hurt me very deeply that I can't even trust a woman. All seems the same to me... Then again, one of my friends mother tried to be physical with me but I denied. Then my neighbour, all these women were very elder than me 15+ years probably, were damn sexy but I never got into because I never wanted that my sister would ever feel that my brother is same as my mother, disloyal even though when my girlfriend tried to do sex with I denied for the first time just because of my past.....

Fuck!!!! I can't take it any more, I have kept this thing in my mind without telling anyone for the past 16 years, now I'm 23 and I can't be in a relationship just because I think women are disloyal. One of my colleagues likes me but I never reached her just because of past. Now I'm all alone, there is no one for me to whom I can talk and share my inner emotions, my anxieties. I'm just tired of all this shit....

Suggest me something that may remove my fear and I may start a relationship just for my better future!!!!!