My wife and I have been together for over 9 years. We were long distance for 7, and have now been married for over 2 years. We are both bisexual.

Four months ago I caught her having an affair with one of her coworkers (I literally rode my bike 45mins at 11pm at night on July 3rd, because we have only one vehicle and she had been gone a while/wasn’t answering her phone, only to then catch her making out in his car in the parking lot of their job). For four months we have been trying to repair our relationship. Scratch that. “I” and I alone have been putting in massive amounts of effort to reconnect, engage and improve our marriage. Already I know this sounds bad, but I KNOW it in my heart that she loves me.

My wife has some mental health concerns that honestly I should have pushed harder to have her see a doctor. Without being a doctor or have any clinical knowledge, I believe my wife has bipolar~ esque tendencies.

I just thought it would take time but that we would eventually be okay. We always are. 9 years has seen a LOT of major ups and downs. We have always pushed forward and overcome. Why can’t we seem to now?

A few nights ago she was feeling uncertain about our relationship again. She expressed this, though really didn’t want to delve deeper or have a discussion. Instead, she got drunk and we argued. I threatened to leave and she didn’t stop me. I slept at the neighbor’s house and she stayed home. However, when I woke up at 7am she was gone, with the only car we have.

Fast forward to the next night, I asked her where she was going to be staying. It had become clear that she needed some space to get her thoughts and feelings sorted out. She said she would stay at a friend’s. It was a lie.

That night my mom stayed with me at the house so I wouldn’t be alone with my own turmoil. We decided to drive by her friend’s place, because something in my gut said she wasn’t being truthful. We also googled the man she had cheated on me with and found his address - just incase.

We drove to his address first. It was closer. I knew the entire drive there that we would find her and I am so devastated that I was right. She stayed at his place that night AND last night. What I don’t understand is how being with him is helping her to “think clearly.” She still told me she hadn’t decided on what she wanted (to be married to me or not). “I” decided the route of divorce because obviously I shouldn’t be treated like this... but if she’s so undecided as confused as she claims, why seek out the influence of this guy?

I’m sure I know the answer. I want to be wrong. I told her this morning that I wanted to repair things and she said she isn’t in the right headspace to decide that but... obviously? As long as she is staying in his house the more she’s not even allowing herself to listen to what she truly, truly wants... right? Am I making sense?